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Managing Difficult Relationships: How to Handle Different Monkeys (and what they think of you)

Today we have a second guest blog from author Pete English, on the topic of ‘Mastering Difficult Conversations: How to Handle Different Monkeys (and what they think of you)’.

This is part 2 of the earlier blog, ‘Mastering Difficult Conversations: What sort of monkey are you facing?

 

Managing Difficult Relationships
Part 2: How to Handle Different Monkeys
(and what they think of you)

Rapport is easier if you can identify the kind of person that you’re dealing with.

In my last blog post I described the different kinds of primates that we encounter in the workplace, and how to spot them. This post will show you how to tailor your approach to each type of monkey.

If you’re dealing with a Chimp you’ll know because they will want to focus on the task in hand, they’ll use debate as a way of getting to the truth (which can come across as argumentative) and they will be conscious of power relationships.

If you’re dealing with a Bonobo you’ll know because they are responsive and smiley when you talk to them, they’ll appear relaxed and friendly, and their primary focus will seem to be on the relationship – forming a connection with you.

If you tend to be a Chimp and you’re dealing with a Chimp, then it’s normally pretty straightforward – you ‘get’ each other. Similarly, Bonobos recognise one another and can rely on their preferred way of working. 

But if you’re a Chimp and you have to work with a Bonobo (or vice versa) then you need to adapt your approach.

How a Chimp Views a Bonobo

How a Chimp Views a Bonobo

The Chimp misinterprets the Bonobo’s friendliness as weakness.

How a Bonobo Views a Chimp

How a Bonobo Views a Chimp

The Bonobo misinterprets the Chimp’s strongly task-focused approach as an attempt to dominate and bully.

So…

Whether you’re a Bonobo or a Chimp, if you are facing a difficult conversation and you want to avoid being misread here are three tips to help you handle the situation:

Tip 1 Pay Careful Attention to Etiquette.

Small things matter. If you are a Chimp, be very polite and solicitous (Bonobos place great emphasis on courtesy). If you are a Bonobo, show respect for the other person and their environment but without demeaning yourself (Chimps get very agitated if their physical, organisational or psychological territory is threatened).

Tip 2 Use ‘Safe Phrases’

The following phrases press the right buttons whether you are dealing with a Chimp or a Bonobo (they convey the message ‘we are in the same troop’):

  • ‘We can handle this’
  • ‘We’ll sort this’
  • ‘We’ll get through this’

Tip 3 Get a Grip on Your Inner Primate

Recognise that we all tend to act instinctively most of the time, and that this includes becoming defensive when we feel threatened (eg in a difficult conversation).  If you have the chance, have a clear view before the encounter of:

  • how you want to behave
  • what you are going to say
  • how you will respond if the other party behaves in a certain way.

Pete’s website is www.peterenglish.co.uk and he can be contacted at pete@peterenglish.co.uk   He has written three Pocketbooks:

This article was originally published at: peterjenglish.blogspot.co.uk

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Posted on

Mastering Difficult Conversations: What sort of monkey are you facing?

Today we have a guest blog from author Pete English, who has just given a successful presentation at CIPD’s Annual Conference and Exhibition on the topic of ‘Mastering Difficult Conversations: What sort of monkey are you facing?’. Pete’s website is www.peterenglish.co.uk and he can be contacted at pete@peterenglish.co.uk   He has written three Pocketbooks: Tackling Difficult Conversations, Confidence and Succeeding at Interviews.

We’re all primates.

Many of our day-to-day behaviours have been hard-wired into us over thousands of years of evolution. Our ancestors survived by being excellent threat-detectors (it was important to decide quickly whether an animal or situation was safe) and by being good at sucking up to the leader of the pack, to put it bluntly – according to the evolutionary psychologists, being friendly with the alpha male or female enhanced your survival prospects.

So, we’ve evolved to be vigilant and status conscious. Apparently when we meet someone, the first thing we unconsciously assess is their level of status – do I need to be wary of this person? Do I need to keep on the right side of them?

And other primates are sniffing you, picking up cues as to how powerful you are, how much respect they need to give you.

If you want to master this game, it helps to know what kind of monkey you are dealing with. Let’s consider the Chimpanzee and the Bonobo.

Chimpanzees

In the wild, chimpanzees are very territorial, competitive and (particularly when threatened), ferociously aggressive. There is a strict hierarchy with a male chimp at the top.

Chimpanzees

 

In your organisation, you know you’re dealing with a chimp when:

  • you feel like they’re trying to dominate (often using their tone of voice and body language), and they are inclined to displays of power and status;
  • the conversations often have an argumentative tone – there’s a Win/Lose feel to the interaction;
  • their focus is on the task in hand, with little or no attention paid to pleasantries.

Bonobos

Bonobos are very different. They are much more relaxed about their territory. Rather than seeking to dominate, they engage in ‘affable social networking’. Bonobos are much less hierarchical than chimps, and tend to form matriarchal groups.

Bonobos

You know you’re dealing with a bonobo because:

  • their body language is responsive and affirming – lots of smiling and nodding;
  • the conversation is friendly, and relaxed;
  • you get the impression that their primary focus is ‘mutual stroking’, with the task being secondary.

Next time: how to handle each type of monkey (and what they think of you).

 

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