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Managing Difficult Relationships: How to Handle Different Monkeys (and what they think of you)

Today we have a second guest blog from author Pete English, on the topic of ‘Mastering Difficult Conversations: How to Handle Different Monkeys (and what they think of you)’.

This is part 2 of the earlier blog, ‘Mastering Difficult Conversations: What sort of monkey are you facing?

 

Managing Difficult Relationships
Part 2: How to Handle Different Monkeys
(and what they think of you)

Rapport is easier if you can identify the kind of person that you’re dealing with.

In my last blog post I described the different kinds of primates that we encounter in the workplace, and how to spot them. This post will show you how to tailor your approach to each type of monkey.

If you’re dealing with a Chimp you’ll know because they will want to focus on the task in hand, they’ll use debate as a way of getting to the truth (which can come across as argumentative) and they will be conscious of power relationships.

If you’re dealing with a Bonobo you’ll know because they are responsive and smiley when you talk to them, they’ll appear relaxed and friendly, and their primary focus will seem to be on the relationship – forming a connection with you.

If you tend to be a Chimp and you’re dealing with a Chimp, then it’s normally pretty straightforward – you ‘get’ each other. Similarly, Bonobos recognise one another and can rely on their preferred way of working. 

But if you’re a Chimp and you have to work with a Bonobo (or vice versa) then you need to adapt your approach.

How a Chimp Views a Bonobo

How a Chimp Views a Bonobo

The Chimp misinterprets the Bonobo’s friendliness as weakness.

How a Bonobo Views a Chimp

How a Bonobo Views a Chimp

The Bonobo misinterprets the Chimp’s strongly task-focused approach as an attempt to dominate and bully.

So…

Whether you’re a Bonobo or a Chimp, if you are facing a difficult conversation and you want to avoid being misread here are three tips to help you handle the situation:

Tip 1 Pay Careful Attention to Etiquette.

Small things matter. If you are a Chimp, be very polite and solicitous (Bonobos place great emphasis on courtesy). If you are a Bonobo, show respect for the other person and their environment but without demeaning yourself (Chimps get very agitated if their physical, organisational or psychological territory is threatened).

Tip 2 Use ‘Safe Phrases’

The following phrases press the right buttons whether you are dealing with a Chimp or a Bonobo (they convey the message ‘we are in the same troop’):

  • ‘We can handle this’
  • ‘We’ll sort this’
  • ‘We’ll get through this’

Tip 3 Get a Grip on Your Inner Primate

Recognise that we all tend to act instinctively most of the time, and that this includes becoming defensive when we feel threatened (eg in a difficult conversation).  If you have the chance, have a clear view before the encounter of:

  • how you want to behave
  • what you are going to say
  • how you will respond if the other party behaves in a certain way.

Pete’s website is www.peterenglish.co.uk and he can be contacted at pete@peterenglish.co.uk   He has written three Pocketbooks:

This article was originally published at: peterjenglish.blogspot.co.uk

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Is This Relationship Going To Work?

Sometimes we find ourselves in situations that we wouldn’t necessarily have chosen, working with people who aren’t our natural soul-mates. Whether the relationship is Prime Minister and Deputy Prime Minister, or two colleagues sharing an office, conflict is probably going to arise at some point in the relationship.

Messrs Clegg and Cameron are both assertive and persuasive individuals who are used to winning the argument. But if they are going to work successfully together they will need to use a range of styles to manage potential conflict between themselves and their party members.

Five Approaches to Managing Conflict

Kenneth Thomas and Ralph Kilmann describe five approaches we can take to handling any particular conflict:

Compete – we aim to win.

Accommodate – our priority is to keep the other person happy.

Compromise – we do a deal. It’s not perfect but we can both live with it. At least in the short term.

Avoid – we take the view that it’s better not to open the can of worms, so we don’t address the issue.

Collaborate – we look for a solution that fully meets our needs, and also satisfies other person. A true ‘win/win’.

Which One To Use?

Looking at these five styles, you would think that the ‘right’ approach to conflict would always be to collaborate. However, there are a couple of problems with collaboration:

  1. It can take a long time – you have to sit down, explore the other person’s position, analyse the underlying needs and concerns then try to thrash out a resolution. It’s great when you have the time (and the energy) to do this. But sometimes there’s a deadline. Sometimes the markets are showing signs of impatience.
  2. It isn’t always possible. For example, when you and your colleague have fundamentally opposing views or values.

The trick is actually knowing which type of approach is most appropriate in any situation, and consciously adapting your natural preference for one of the five styles.

T-KStyles

So here’s the deal

One of the secrets of handling conflict successfully, whether it’s in a shared office or the House of Commons, is choosing the right strategy.

Management Pocketbooks you may enjoy

TacklingDiffConvsFor more on handling conflict, and coping with difficult conversations generally, take a look at Peter English’s new Pocketbook, The Tackling Difficult Conversations Pocketbook.

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Other Pocketbooks you might like include:

You may also be interested to know …

The Thomas-Kilmann model is also available as a self-scoring psychometric instrument. For global sales, check out the CPP website, or for UK sales, check out OPP’s website.

Author: Peter English

This article was written by Peter English, author of:

The Tackling Difficult Conversations Pocketbook and

The Succeeding at Interviews Pocketbook.

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